There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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