tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
