i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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