dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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