mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
