; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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