im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
