woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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