my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
