My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
