Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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