I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
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she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
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I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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