Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
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