Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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