you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
