please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm like, not good at living.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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