Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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