NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
