Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
