I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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