So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
