I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
