tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I smell like Dick and happiness
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
