I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
