the condom got lost in my hair
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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