i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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