so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
