I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
