If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
