so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
