I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
