So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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