I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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