My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
