WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
