my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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