see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
