Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
