a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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