Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
