you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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