apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
