you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
