A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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