I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
