Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
