She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
