I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
