Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
