Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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