and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
