It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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