Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
