Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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