she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
