apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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