I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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